we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
her facebook's as public as her vagina
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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