Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
