We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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