I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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