I faked an abortion last night.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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