I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
