I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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