Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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