the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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