it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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