hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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