but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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