Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
