Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
