I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
