Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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