why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
