I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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