It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
