I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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