LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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