They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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