I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
