I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
