i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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