All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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