god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
