I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
