Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
