he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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