New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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