You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
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Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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