the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
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You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
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New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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