I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
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I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
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I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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