this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
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If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
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Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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