you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
They took my balls.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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