Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
