she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
