all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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