When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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