After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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