Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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