$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
