Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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