She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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