3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize