the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
