she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
