i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
