Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We just shotgunned beers for America
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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