The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
