"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
