soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
