okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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