On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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